May 2007


Such a fun night.  A BBQ that became so much more.  Friends.  Some old, some more recent.  An interest that sparkled but never progressed.  A previous passion who determined to stay away, even for one last time.  Undoubtedly the last time I’ll ever see someone (maybe in fact, two people).  An opportunity to see someone truly for the first time and and opportunity to see someone for the first time, truly.  And of course, a lot of alcohol.

Got a hell of a long way to drive tomorrow.  Got things to do even though today was remarkably productive.  I pleased myself.  Everything is getting on track.

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By far this is my favourite song of the moment.  I’m utterly addicted.  It’s just so catchy you can’t help but sing along and the bitter-sweet words just connect.   The Pigeon Detectives.  Tonight has been a night of old ghosts (and when it comes to it, not even the important ones).  I’m feeling damn good.

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Wow, I’m shattered.

I’ve been really stressed these last two weeks.  It’s not been good.  We’ve got some bad family shit going on (the really bad kind, the potentially never to be fixed kind) and work has been tough as I’ve been by myself a lot.  Plus, job application stuff, end of year assessments and paperwork and then trying to sort out a holiday.

Holidays for me used to involved randomly deciding to go somewhere, booking a flight and then leaving the next week.  It’s the way I prefer it.  I’m not very good at planning things and getting things done on time (in my personal life – for work I have to) so the last minute thing works.  I booked my flights to Cambodia the week before I went.  After a whole year of thinking about working in Nepal I finally got it all sorted out 2 weeks before leaving.  I stayed there for 2 months.  It’s also this that led me to be halfway across the Atlantic, embarking on a 5 month jaunt round the States, before I realised I’d forgotten to change any money to dollars.  Things always worked out, I got ideas, I acted on them.

I’m not used to having to book leave in advance and seemingly arbitrarily.  I really don’t like the way you end up having to ‘plan’ fun and relaxation.  And sometimes, when that holiday has turned up I’ve not actually felt any desire to go anywhere.  I’m not a planned person.

This holiday however has come at the right time.  I need a break.  Badly.  I’m not me at the moment.  I don’t feel myself.  My apathy and procrastination are building in unhealthy levels and I’m beginning to wonder whether this is the latest incarnation of my intrinsic self destructive streak.  Destruction through sloth.

I’ve also noticed that all I do these days is complain.  Now here, that’s fine as it’s a vent for me but I’m doing it so much in my daily life that it’s even starting to piss me off (and I’ve noticed at least one of my friends gets annoyed by it and that affects me more).  I’m just so negative and I don’t know how that happened.  I’ve always been so positive.  Life seems to be getting to me.  I need to go away and reassess a few things about where my life’s going.  There’s someone I work with who is just so miserable and sour; she constantly moans and complains and bitches and blames everyone else.  I really dislike her.  She’s venomous.  Yet I feel it spreading.  Thankfully she’s leaving in a few weeks but I can’t let myself become that person.

I can’t.

So, I have some things to work out.  Which is good as my holiday starts tomorrow and I’m off all next week.  We’re climbing Scafell Pike this weekend in preparation for the Three Peaks Challenge (whenever that actually happens – it’s all up in the air right now).  So, I’m bunging some stuff in my car and heading up there Friday with the guys and then staying in the Lake District for the rest of the week.  A week of hiking, climbing and reading.  Looking forward to it.  No phone, no internet.  And tomorrow I have Things To Do.

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I’m shattered because we went climbing tonight.  There was a point when I was half way up what turned out to be a really tough route when I actually felt like a real climber.  I was hanging from an overhang 7m up by one arm, legs tucked right up under the rock, the other arm reached back into my chalk bag, thinking, ‘if only every woman I’ve ever liked was below me right now because I must look SO COOL!’.  Ha ha.

I’m aware that my mental version of how I must look probably doesn’t correspond to the awkward, sweaty, scrabbling reality of the situation but, hey.  I got up it and it was tougher than anything I’ve climbed before.  I felt great.  Of course, I won’t be able to use my arms tomorrow…

Saw 28 Weeks Later tonight and liked it a lot.  Go read about my thoughts here.

Then saw this and got uber excited.

Joker

 

 Seriously, this has so much potential.  It could be so dark.

Crappy day.  Crappy week.  Fixed the sink.

Start it all over again.

Ok, so to make up for the dullest post in the world (it’s been preying on my mind) and to procrastinate further to avoid sleep, here is a beautiful live version of Murderer by Low:

By far the best song on the new album and genuinely haunting.  The lyrics tell the simplest yet most telling story.  If you like it go here and to check out their other videos and then go buy their latest album: Drums and Guns.  It’s sparse and lovely.

I almost forgot to go to sleep in the end last night.  Then I forgot to set the alarm and almost didn’t wake up.  I’m rubbish.  Unlike the day.  Which despite being work, was quite fun.

Though my sink’s blocked and I have a ton of washing up to do.

This has been such a shit week. Such a shit week. Today was just as bad. Busy, stressed, overworked, under-supported. Got shouted at by a Consultant because he wouldn’t admit that it was him that made the mistake, not me. That pissed me off. Plus, I’ve been so tired today (admittedly self induced, so no sympathy) and I had to work a 13 1/2 hour shift (plus gearing up to work the weekend). But then ward cover was quiet and I got home and then three things really cheered me up and made me forget all the rest of it. In order of amusement / geekiness / amazingness:

1. Flagpole Sitta (Lip Dub) : pure genius; I want to know people like that. The girl who starts off is really hot too. Plus, the actual band who did the original (Harvey Danger) are releasing their third album as a free download here. Not listened to it yet but hey – it’s free.

2. New trailer for the Giant Fucking Robot Movie (again, not robotic porn) and it looks badarse! Check out Blackout (the chopper) and Starscream (the jet) as they change mid-flight! Ok, so I had to wiki the names to find out what they’re called. I’m not that much of a geek.

3. Then: I got an email from two friends of mine. And they are getting married! AWESOME! Not only because they are both wonderful and people I consider friends but even more so because: I introduced them! Through my blog! Ha ha ha. I met them both individually while bumming round the States in 2003 (Kristin from North Carolina in South Carolina and Phil from Switzerland in Truth or Consequences, New Mexico). Later I introduced them to LiveJournal, then they started talking then they both came over to see me almost two years ago now (really that long?) and they’ve been together since (pretty much). And now they’re getting married.

So yeah! Awesomeness. And I think that means I have to be set up with a bridesmaid as repayment. Ha ha.

Plus, after a fun night out with friends, I went to sleep cuddled up to someone else last night. Which is always nice. No funny business. Well behaved. You know me. Just sleep because sometimes that’s all you want.

After being single for a while I find myself craving the little things like close contact with another person, rather than the bigger things. Sex is one thing but I can cope quite well without it. That contact though is something else. Cuddles, holding hands, falling asleep with someone wrapped in your arms, their breath against your neck, the smell of their hair as it gets caught in your beard (fairly specific to me that one). Knowing that when you wake in the morning there will be someone beside you. Usually. You forget how warm people are, and the sounds they make just to exist.

I’ve always had an issue though in that while I love sleeping with someone else (and again, I’m talking about sleep, opposed to sex), I can never sleep well. I’ve always been crap at sleeping whether though insomnia or distraction or just forgetfulness (seriously). I never fall asleep first and find myself in that situation where your sleeping partner falls asleep cuddled up to you and you feel like you can’t move in case you disturb them. An arm goes dead. You can’t sleep on your back. You get neck ache. You worry about it and then eventually half the night has gone by, you’ve got the new single by the Arctic Fucking Monkeys stuck in your damn head for hours and you realise you’re about to embark on a 13 hr shift…he hem, or something like that.

I wouldn’t give it up for the world but I almost prefer staying up to experience it. As long as I can get a good sleep after.

She’s a new friend. She’s nice. We like each other’s company. She leaves in a week’s time but that’s ok.

And speaking of sleep…

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