Wow, I’m shattered.

I’ve been really stressed these last two weeks.  It’s not been good.  We’ve got some bad family shit going on (the really bad kind, the potentially never to be fixed kind) and work has been tough as I’ve been by myself a lot.  Plus, job application stuff, end of year assessments and paperwork and then trying to sort out a holiday.

Holidays for me used to involved randomly deciding to go somewhere, booking a flight and then leaving the next week.  It’s the way I prefer it.  I’m not very good at planning things and getting things done on time (in my personal life – for work I have to) so the last minute thing works.  I booked my flights to Cambodia the week before I went.  After a whole year of thinking about working in Nepal I finally got it all sorted out 2 weeks before leaving.  I stayed there for 2 months.  It’s also this that led me to be halfway across the Atlantic, embarking on a 5 month jaunt round the States, before I realised I’d forgotten to change any money to dollars.  Things always worked out, I got ideas, I acted on them.

I’m not used to having to book leave in advance and seemingly arbitrarily.  I really don’t like the way you end up having to ‘plan’ fun and relaxation.  And sometimes, when that holiday has turned up I’ve not actually felt any desire to go anywhere.  I’m not a planned person.

This holiday however has come at the right time.  I need a break.  Badly.  I’m not me at the moment.  I don’t feel myself.  My apathy and procrastination are building in unhealthy levels and I’m beginning to wonder whether this is the latest incarnation of my intrinsic self destructive streak.  Destruction through sloth.

I’ve also noticed that all I do these days is complain.  Now here, that’s fine as it’s a vent for me but I’m doing it so much in my daily life that it’s even starting to piss me off (and I’ve noticed at least one of my friends gets annoyed by it and that affects me more).  I’m just so negative and I don’t know how that happened.  I’ve always been so positive.  Life seems to be getting to me.  I need to go away and reassess a few things about where my life’s going.  There’s someone I work with who is just so miserable and sour; she constantly moans and complains and bitches and blames everyone else.  I really dislike her.  She’s venomous.  Yet I feel it spreading.  Thankfully she’s leaving in a few weeks but I can’t let myself become that person.

I can’t.

So, I have some things to work out.  Which is good as my holiday starts tomorrow and I’m off all next week.  We’re climbing Scafell Pike this weekend in preparation for the Three Peaks Challenge (whenever that actually happens – it’s all up in the air right now).  So, I’m bunging some stuff in my car and heading up there Friday with the guys and then staying in the Lake District for the rest of the week.  A week of hiking, climbing and reading.  Looking forward to it.  No phone, no internet.  And tomorrow I have Things To Do.

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I’m shattered because we went climbing tonight.  There was a point when I was half way up what turned out to be a really tough route when I actually felt like a real climber.  I was hanging from an overhang 7m up by one arm, legs tucked right up under the rock, the other arm reached back into my chalk bag, thinking, ‘if only every woman I’ve ever liked was below me right now because I must look SO COOL!’.  Ha ha.

I’m aware that my mental version of how I must look probably doesn’t correspond to the awkward, sweaty, scrabbling reality of the situation but, hey.  I got up it and it was tougher than anything I’ve climbed before.  I felt great.  Of course, I won’t be able to use my arms tomorrow…

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